Deadbeat Dad Page
My sad tale of woe
I'm a Deadbeat Dad. Sound like an introduction at a 12 step meeting? It isn't. Deadbeat Dads are what Politicians and the media call non-custodial Fathers who the Govenment saddles with a huge installment debt for the "sin" of fathering children with a Wife who doesn't understand the concept of fairness, commitment and parental responsibility.
How does one become a so-called "Deadbeat Dad" you may ask? Pretty simple, actually. All you have to do is father one or more children. That's it! From that point on, you are sitting on a ticking time bomb. Any time the Mother decides that she wants you out of her and/or the children's lives, YOU get to be a "Deadbeat Dad". How does it work? Well, unless you've been living in a crater on the moon for the past 30 years, you are no doubt well aware that child custody and child support issues in America are stacked heavily against Fathers. When two people show up at a divorce or child custody hearing, you can bet the ranch (literally) that the custody of minor children will be given to the Mother. You can also bet your paycheck (literally) that the Courts will award the Mother a huge child support judgement against the Father. How huge? Well, the standard is 25% of gross salary which equals around 1/3 of one's net pay. Add to this Court ordered medical, dental, insurance and other little bennies and dear old Dad is looking at some hefty monthly payments for the next few years. Fall behind in those payments and you can expect the full power and force of your wonderful Goverment to be mobilized against you. More on that later. Let's look at a real life situation, like mine for example! I was dragged into divorce Court in late 1980. My Ex had joined a religious cult that had persuaded her that she should divorce her "non-believer", sinner Husband, which she did. We were a typical, struggling young couple, living from paycheck to paycheck. We had recently bought our first home and had almost enough "stuff" to qualify as comfortable. For the first time in our marriage, we were able to eat out once in awhile without having to worry about not being able to pay the rent. We had two children, Jacob age 7 and Jessica age 4. March, 1981 is the last time I saw them..... not for lack of trying though! Here's how the divorce hearing went: my Ex ranted and raved about every dirty, dastardly thing I had ever done or that she had dreamt I had done for a half hour or so. My $125/hour Lawyer just sat there drinking it all in... needless to say, he was very well aware of facts that would only start to dawn on me many Months later. He knew that none of this screaming and slandering made any difference. He could protest and defend until the cows came home but it wouldn't make a bit of difference. See, the Judge had made up his mind long before we showed up in his courtroom how he would be ruling on our case. That is to say that whatever is said in the court makes little or no difference. No amount of evidence or testimony would change the inevitable ruling.... here's his judgement, the same judgement that the vast majority of Fathers hear when it's their turn in Purgatory.. Custody of the minor children is awarded to the Mother. The Mother gets the Family home but the Father gets to pay the mortgage and gets to pay for any needed repairs until the home is sold. The Father is ordered to pay $750 per Month in child support out of a $30,000 per year gross income. The Mother is awarded the household furnishings, appliances and so on as well as her vehicle which the Husband must pay for, insure and repair. The Husband will also maintain life insurance so the the Court can continue to tap his wallet after he is in his grave. In the case of my situation, the initial court judgement wound up costing me in the neighborhood of $65,000 which also includes 5 vintage motorcycles and a pile of Ham radio equipment which she got to keep and sell. She even got custody of the family photo album. More on that later, too. I got my clothes and a 3 year old pickup truck. Now, it doesn't take a Harvard MBA to figure that there is no way that you can rebuild your life from nothing on the kind of money that the Court lets you have after your Ex-Wife gets done with you. Soooooo.... within a few Months, even when paying a few hunded bucks a Month towards your child support "obligation", you're going to find yourself seriously behind on your new "installment debt". Now comes a new term: arrearages. This is the amount of money that accrues between the court awarded megabucks to the Mother and whatever you are actually able send in. Oh, did I mention that the non-custodial Father doesn't get to see his children anymore? Refer to: Hell hath no fury for more details on that one. Now you can bitch and cry and complain until you spit Lawyers, but there is no way on Earth that you're going to find a Judge who'll help you get visitation for your children that you are now paying an arm and a leg to support. But you can bet your butt that you'll be seeing Process Servers every fortnight while your wonderful Government drags you into court to bleed every possible penny of your money that they possibly can. Now you may ask yourself, "if the Mother is unable to support the children without a MAJOR cash infusion from the Father each Month, why doesn't the court just award the children to the Father"? I've asked myself that one a kazillion times. If you figure out the answer be sure to let me know. So here it is, 1997. I am 50 years old. I've paid roughly $120,000 in support for children who I wouldn't recognize if I tripped over them. And I am STILL being hounded for that $54,000 in "arrearages" that the Government says I owe. I can't help feeling that if Hillary Clinton turned her Scumbag, womanizing, adulterous, drug using, draft dodging Husband "Bubba" into a "Deadbeat Dad", that the rules of the game would change mighty quick. However, I don't see her doing anything to kill the golden goose that keeps her in the White House until at least the turn of the century... Anyway.... it didn't take my Ex Wife long to realize that the Government would pay her around $1,500 per Month in cash, food stamps, medical bennies and so on to sit home on her ass being a "Single Mother". The Government eagerly made these payments even though my Ex Wife was perfectly capable of working, was a "Single Mother" by her own choice and even though I was more than capable of supporting and raising our children without the need for Public assistance. Furthermore, the Government did nothing to assist me in convincing my Ex Wife to permit child visitation even though doing so was clearly in the best interest of the children. Consider these facts: Fathers of divorce who are permitted visitation are far more likely to pay the full amount of child support than Fathers who aren't. Fathers who get visitation get to participate in their children's upbringing. They generally help with additional expenses such as clothing, college education and so on. Fathers who get visitation are a role model to their children on how Adults are able to have problems and disagree but can still work these issues out in a mature, productive manner. Contrast that scenario with the role models that my children likely have of their Parents: a Mother who is angry, spitefull and who hates all men and particularly hates the children's Father. Any opinions the children might have about their Father and about men in general would have been formed by listening to years of bitching about what an asshole their Father was. Doesn't sound very healthy or wholesome to me... Does anyone think that the latter example does anything to produce a new generation of well balanced Parents? Or Parents who are not likely to repeat the experiences and mistakes of their Parents and thus create new generations of angry, dysfunctional Mothers and "Deadbeat Dads"? Meanwhile... since my support payments were less than the amount of money that my Ex Wife was receiving in Welfare, my checks went directly to the Government and not to my former Family. This permitted my Ex Wife to claim that "the children's Father has never paid a cent of support in his life". Naturally, I have the check stubs to prove that she's a liar, but I kind of doubt that I'm ever going to get a chance to show them to my children. My kids are all grown now and probably have Families of their own by now. I managed to track down my Son a few days before his 21st birthday but he made it clear that he hasn't the slightest interest in becoming reacquainted with his dear old dad. He's 24 now and I haven't heard a word from him even though he has had my address and phone number for years. I don't hold out a lot of hope that I'll ever be hearing from him again. My Daughter is another story entirely. I've been searching for her for years and it's almost like she's fallen off the face of the Earth without a trace. She'll be 21 on August 8, 1997 and I haven't a clue where she is or even if she's still alive. Needless to say, my Ex Wife and the wonderful Government who has been hounding me for money for most of my life have not expressed any willingness to disclose her whereabouts or to help me locate her. In my search for my children, it has become obvious that both children have little regard from their Mother and probably have a very strained or no relationship at all with her. While not wanting to appear mean spirited, this seems somehow fitting and just to me :) I've said it before and I'll say it again. It's no fun to have children out there and perhaps Grandchildren that you know nothing about and who probably haven't the slightest interest in knowing anything about their Dad or Grand dad. I've always tried to play life by the rules and I just don't understand what I did that was so bad that caused all of this to happen to me. Like millions of other so-called "Deadbeat Dads" in America, I have been denied my just and God given right to a relationship with my children. This denial has been fully supported by American Government and indeed could not have happened without it's full consent, support and assistance. I have been viewed as nothing more than a sperm donor with a checkbook and have been treated with complete contempt and uncaring by my Government and by just about everyone I have had to deal with in this situation. Just who do you think are the real losers here? The Ex Wife who spents her days watching soap operas while living off of the public dole? Not likely. The non-custodial Fathers who have had their lives turned upside down by vengeful Ex Wives and a brain dead Government "system" that could care less about the people it tramples on? Nah... at least not in my case. I'm a survivor and I'll overcome whatever shit people try to throw at me. It's the children who get hurt, stupid! I defy anyone to rationalize how America's current policies regarding divorce, child custody, child support and the rest of it does anything positive for the children, the parents or anyone else that it touches! That's your tax dollars at work, folks. I hope that you think you are getting your money's worth, because I sure don't! Click here for more info on Father's issues.